Glawster – so true it brought tears to my eyes

A colleague forwarded me this – made me all homesick!

WELCOME TO GLAWSTER

The first point all visitors must learn is that this is not Gloucester at all but Glawster, and is situated north of Bristow and south of Chewksbree and Burmagum.

The accent is simple and easy to follow, provided you cut out this article and keep it about your person at all times during your visit.

First,transport hints for traveling during your visit here.
The best way to get around Gloucester is aboard a large vehicle called a buzz. These are found at buzz tops. At a buzz top you ketch yerBuzz.

ATTRACTIONS
Once in the City Centre, known as Up the Town, attractions include the Po Stoffice where you can buy post lorders, stamps etc. Ladies queuing in front of you may be holding children in their arms. These are known as babbiz The Po Stoffice is open all week Mundee to Sardee, but never on a Sundee The same is true of Omes Tores, and the well-known Sainsbriz.

Next, food – the correct way of saying hungry is: ‘Ant add nutten teat all day’ – a suitable reply is ‘Ant ya?’ To satisfy your hunger you have to find a place where you can get summit teat. When you find one, you say ‘yer tiz’ If its a self-service place you greet the owner with the phrase – ‘ow be? ‘ ,he will reply, ‘Notsa bad, an you?’ Indicate the food you want by saying, ‘i’ll ave some ‘o’ them chips’. You should always say them instead of ‘those’ and ‘er’ instead of ‘she’. Hence the phrase ‘Er et all them elvers on Sardee’ Similarly ‘im’ is used instead of ‘it’. For example, ‘werz me wheelbarra? I ad im yesde.

Questions begin with the words:- Wer? 0000? Ow? etc. Answers are Tis (positive) and Tent (Negative). The word ‘yes’ has been abolished in Glawster and replaced by ‘Aah’.>>If a local is not certain whether a thing ’tis’ or ‘tent’ he will be non-committal and say ‘spexso, praps, or spose’. In Gloucester you must remember that you never go TO a place but UP it. So you should say ‘up the doctors’, ‘up the library’, ‘ up the vets’ and ‘up the bingo’. Housewives are often to be seen going up the shops. Occasionally, words are added to the end of a sentence to form a question such as ‘ennit’. Example ‘Good up yer ennit?’. Another such word is ‘cannus’, as in ‘can’t do tall at once cannus?’. Quite often the word ‘mind’ is added at the end of a sentence for emphasis. For example if someone asks you where you are going, you would reply: Q were ya going A up town mind>>The word ‘mind’ is often used in rugby context for instance: ‘ees a>>big un mind’ or ‘played well mind’ (note rugby is the most widely worshiped religion in Glawster.)

COMPLIMENT People and things you like should be referred to as ‘proper good’. You also use the word ‘proper’ when you want to emphasise another word, as in ‘Them cookies was proper tasty’. Strangely, you can be ‘proper drunk’ and a ‘proper devil’ too. If you stop liking someone then you have ‘gawn awf’ them. Mouldy cheese is also described as ‘gawn awf’. If during your visit your health goes awf, be sure to get a doctors sustiffcut. The highest compliment you can pay to people you are fond of is to describe them as ‘dead good’, ‘dead generous’ etc. A cheerful youngster is a ‘dead appy babee’. It is also possible to be dead lively and dead awake.

Now try these for practice:- I sin im yesdee Me babbiz lost her at.>>Tent right . Tis! Praps, praps not. Givus un yer. Werya bin? – Werja think?

Preferably this should be done late at night, to the noise of car doors slamming and the sound should be loud enough to carry four times around the block.To your ‘Ta-laas’ they will shout the traditional Gloucester phrase, ‘Seeya gen’.

Hope you goddit all proper clear – SEEZY ENNIT?

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That’s sooo true!

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